miriamSpace

Its been rainy here for nearly a week.
The sun is a distant memory and all I recall are the drip drip drips of the drops and gray color of the sky that seems to seep down and surround everything muting what little color exists at the end of winter in a northern climate.

Not so great weather for a walk and all the good novels have been read. Its not a verb but somehow I feel noveled up. If I had kids they'd be climbing the walls. Instead it is just my inner child I have to deal with. And the cat. She is literally climbing the walls but that happens on sunny days as well since she is an indoor cat in regular wont of playful company.

The house is clean enough... I guess that means it is time for making messes and crafting!

Even when I tire of it, I love weather. It provides me with the kind of structure that drives other people to stay in school or join the military.

Posted by Miriam at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The bus was quiet today - I never realized Martin Luther King day was so celebrated. I tried to feel positive about that instead of just sad that I was among the few who still had to work. I quickly realized the irony since I like my job and I am working for justice - environmental as much as social justice - something I believe Dr King would support today.

On my way to work I was one of two riders. Last week people had to stand it in the bus was so crowded. On my way home ridership had increased by thirty percent! I was one of three.

There was a beggar on the offramp as we exited the highway. I looked at her noticing her worn clothes and raggedy sign crafted from an old box and felt as I usually do, a bit of hopeless sorrow. This woman, or someone like her is at this intersection most days during rush hour. Due to the holiday there was no wait at the intersection and I watched her behind the protective glass of the bus window as we sped past. I wondered if she realized it was a holiday and why there was minimal traffic. I assume rush hour at this location is a lucrative spot. Would she get more or less donations on a day like this?

To my surprise there was another beggar at the next stop light and this one looked me in the eye - the protection of the glass doesn't hide as much as I thought. How do you look at a beggar? I want to give them dignity without inspiring a false hope that I might give them cash, which I never do. I reflect back on stories of beggars and realize I have an assumption that if I look at them with dignity (whatever that is) they might recover and work their way to not being a beggar. The ridiculousness of this hits me - and I become aware that it stems not from a place of actually wanting to connect with this person but rather from a place of me wanting to look good in the world. Its is amazing how quickly I went from thinking about someone's very real suffering to focusing on me.

Posted by Miriam at 07:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by Miriam at 12:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My beloved guinea pig Mani passed away this morning. There will be no service, there will be no memorial. But I will write about her here and remember all that she taught me and her special traits.

Mani you were named after the Sankrit word for jewel and the Spanish slang for peanut.

At first you were in a cage but you had such odd hours. Sometimes you would run around your little cage but then when I put you on the floor you would hide under the couch.

So I decided to let you run free in my room - my little jeweled peanut. You loved to do your exercises after I went to bed. I could hear you doing laps around the rug that was your race track. You were so fast.

And clever. You loved to hide under the dresser or in the closet and when I put things to block the way you spent hours poking and exploring until you found a way through the obstacle and into your cozy dark hiding place.

You were the first being that I gladly rearranged my life for with no thought of return other than the joy of your joy. A special bed that you could not hide under was built. Things arranged so you had the maximum race track room. I carefully ensured that you had enough cozy spaces to hide under but not too many that I couldn't keep them clean.

And although shy at first you were a social bird. When the girls came over and we sat on the floor you would walk around and smell everyone's feet (which I am sure you thought were lots of strange guinea pigs). Any quick movements sent you dashing for safety but then your curiosity would get the best of you and you'd come tottering out again. You didn't like to be held (too much loss of control I assume) but when approached in the right gentle way, you loved a good chin scratch or side rub.

You loved it when I did the laundry, hanging it from the rack. You would dart in and out of the clothes. And when I tossed a load of clean dry clothes on the floor you would play with them as I did the folding. You could never resist checking anything out that was dumped on the floor - it was your domain and girl, you knew it. You owned that floor.

You kept the demons away when I felt them creep on the edges of my loneliness. I wasn't scared of the dark with you around - even if it was just because I knew the monsters would eat you first. But I'd hear you rustling around and know that as long as you felt safe I felt safe.

We shared four wonderful years together. A good long life for a guinea pig. Memories of you will always flit through my mind and dance across my heart. Thank you for our time together.

If you are reborn, may it be in a better life where you have the freedoms and favorable conditions to practice immediately after taking birth.

May you know happiness; may you know the causes of happiness.

Posted by Miriam at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I can't stand it when people say "it was meant to be" or "everything happens for a reason" or "I just need to find the lesson in here" as if everything happens for the purpose your your higher education. All these phrases, meant to comfort people when times are tough and unpredictable (though the first one is more often used when times are going great), have this assumption embedded in them of a higher power and the idea that world centers around the person in question. While some events might be avoided had you learned the lesson beforehand it is just as likely, or more likely that things are out of our control beyond the ability of learning any lessons. Sometimes divorces could be avoided but sometimes people just change. Sometimes accidents are a result of your own negligence, but other times they happen when you were doing everything right. Sometimes people get fired or laid-off for no reason of their own. And sometimes people meet the love of their life later than they expected - but it doesn't mean it was meant to be. I don't believe that all my previous relationships failed just so I could meet this one special person.

I agree that all events have a certain amount of opportunity in them - and instead of moaning and groaning, if we can have the equanimity and presence mind to move forward then we can look for a possible brighter side. We can use uncommon events as a time for reflection, redirection, and opening our mind to possibilities that perhaps were unseen or unavailable before.

But the world does not revolve around us and for every event that brings opportunity there are also ones that bring death, starvation, homelessness, loneliness, and confusion because you thought you understood the world but really, not only are we not in control, but the world is also too diverse and large for us to understand.

Yeah, I hate hearing that last one too. I want the world to make sense like a math puzzle or a recipe. I want to have the perfect grand unification theory of everything. However, when I do, when I think I have it all figured out, that is when I am not opening my eyes to possibilities that don't make sense but are there anyway.

Go figure - but not too hard...

Posted by Miriam at 09:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Recently I had the good fortune to attend a teaching on the Ngondro - a Nyingma Tibetan Buddhist meditation. The teacher spend much time on the four thoughts and recommended picking one of them each day to meditate on throughout the day. I've had a tough time settling on just one:
1. This precious human birth is rare and difficult to obtain
2. All things born are impermanent and bound to die
3. The results of virtuous and unvirtuous actions are inexorable
4. Cyclic existence has the nature of an ocean of suffering

These four thoughts have provided me much insight as I practice my purification meditations. I keep feeling haunted by how I have caused suffering in others and how others have done me wrong. However, by meditating on thought number 2 I realize I just have to let it go at a certain point. I can look at others' inappropriate actions towards me as opportunities to practice patience, clear communication, compassion, etc. And as to ways I cause suffering in others, when I can make it right I do, when I can't I can feel remorse, vow never to do it again, but then I have to let it go and accept that it will bite me eventually (thought number 3).

And that brings us to thoughts number 1 and 4. With the final of the four thoughts I can quit trying to fix everything and make it perfect - because it will never be perfect and there will always be suffering. Yet, by meditating on the first thought I am very thankful for all that I have; both the opportunities and responsibilities that come with it.

Posted by Miriam at 08:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Waking up this morning I could feel an absence, something different in my throat. I tried to make a noise and sure enough - voice completely gone. No humming (something I do quite a bit), no talking, singing, or yelling; only whispering (something I don't do that much).

Lacking a voice was grounding - like all my unshared thoughts, obvservations, and feelings were sinking down through my body, through my toes, into the earth.

I had to think about what I was going to say, and decide if it was worth the effort. I spoke a lot less but had a smile on my face a lot more.

Yet there were no reasons to share my thoughts, only reason a good reason not to.

Posted by Miriam at 08:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)